Friday, March 9, 2012


Ok. Here goes. Remember how I said back in one of my first posts that, based on experience, I knew I would have moments of doubt about my decision to move? Well, I can tell you that it already happened and it happened much sooner than I anticipated. Frankly, I was miserable my first week here. Austin is the only one who really knew, poor guy. The transition was such a shock to my system in every way. I just thought, “what have I done!?” Work was hard, I missed my friends and had no new ones yet, the vastness of Zen study was overwhelming, I thought “how will I ever learn all this? and if I don't learn all this, how will I realize the Buddha way?!” I just turned really far inward. I was totally in my head, telling myself all sorts of stories. In Zen they say "perception is deception.” It is really hard to accept that sometimes. We feel like in order to have some sort of ground to stand on we have to be able to at least trust our own experience and emotions. But in many ways those are the least trustworthy. Think of all the judgements or appraisals we make of any given situation and how different that same situation is described by someone else. Or how quickly our emotions change based on very minor shifts in perceived tone or actions of someone else.

Anyways, just as quickly as it came it started to leave. The stories I told myself continued to be proved incorrect and before I knew it I was feeling like my old self again. Hopefully, old self but with some new wisdom. The reminder that everything passes, everything changes. Good and bad. Work continues to be challenging but I can see now the improvements. Even my flower arranging is getting better! (See example A). And all through this, I have a most amazing husband. He is wise, and patient, and deeply compassionate. Not just sympathetic compassion but from a deeper place of meeting my suffering where it is, not where he is. And he leaves me sweet gifts (example B) and makes me laugh and really listens. He really listens.

The best lesson I learned is that after a time of suffering, when you learn from it you feel light. You feel changed and you feel a fire re-ignited.

1 comment:

  1. It's a pleasure to read of an individual's personal transformation and growth. When expressed succinctly but accurately, it is almost poetic and elicits a sympathetic understanding of the individual's emotional response(s).
    Well done Lulu and Austin.!