Conscious Construction and Leg Shaving

In some schools of Zen, including ours, people talk of "conscious construction," that our entire world as we know it is entirely constructed by our mind.  You can get really deep into the analyses of this idea but at a most basic level it makes sense right?  We can never truly be in someone else's shoes, ours are the only ones that fit.  A great example is that if you ask several people how they remember a certain event they all attended together, they will all say something different.  Or if you feel one way about something that happened to you, chances are you will feel different about it 5 minutes later, 5 hours later, 5 days later, etc. and this has nothing to do with the event changing, you changed.  We bring all of our past (karma) into every moment and it colors what we see.

Bear with me here as I shine this light on the topic of feminism, sex and looking cute (yes I am a little obsessed with these topics lately).  I was talking with my husband about dressing sexy and wanting to look cute.  We may have different perspectives...I think I believe that the experience and pressures of appearance are different for men than women (some may disagree with me and that's cool).  Which brings me to one of my points of personal inquiry: what do I do with the specific baggage that comes along with being me and a woman?  When I want to look "cute" is this simply what men (and other women) have been telling me since I was born ("oh what a beautiful little girl you are!").  Is it possible to look cute, express myself in a way I feel good about, that isn't about being better than other women, consuming (buying and wearing) products made in sweatshops or trying to please some other group by "selling" my body and what it can do for someone?  As humans, how important is it to feel accepted and what does appearance have to do with it?

If I have large breasts does that mean I can never wear anything tight because it is provoking someone and their pornographic fantasy?  Now this may be too much information but what about leg shaving?  As many of you know, I haven't been shaving my legs for quite some time now.  One of the reasons is that it's time consuming, another is, why get rid of something I was born with, another is a big F*** you to people say women who don't shave are manly and unattractive.  BUT I am not at the point where I do it because I think it looks good....(blush, shame) It's easy not to worry about it in the winter cuz I always wear pants but as summer (bathingsuit season) comes I get a little anxious.  I am an Italian woman, which means I have dark hair and a good amount of it and I am not totally comfortable in a bathingsuit.  Now what do I do with that?  Who wants to be stared at, mostly by men, and looked upon with open disgust?  What makes me care about people who act like that?!?!?  

So I have this world view that is consciously constructed by my own mind and includes mainstream ideals of attractiveness.  I have a lifetime of baggage (ie. social feedback) about what is acceptable and what is not.  The wild card is how much control do I have over what I assimilate and what I reject.

The Feminist Current has a great blog post that sort of inspired this post in thinking about how all this objectifying continues.  This is a quote from the post, I definitely recommend you check it out.

"...women shouldn’t have to be sexy and naked in order to get the attention of the media (yet they do) and that this just perpetuates the idea that women are to-be-looked-at. Why do women (and not men) need use their “sexy” bodies to bring about awareness to serious issues like homophobia, dictatorship, sexism and racism?."

Taking Refuge in Evil

Jiryu (click left to listen) gave a talk a few weeks ago that blew a lot of minds.  I highly recommend giving it a listen, even if you know nothing about Buddhism, especially if you know nothing about Buddhism.  But he knocked some socks of when talking about a little known sect of Buddhism that, among other things, talks about taking refuge not just in the good but the "evil."  People had a really hard time with that.  It made me think of a common zen phrase is mentioned often around here, "turning away and touching are both wrong."

For example, the ecosattvas (environmentalist bodhisattvas) have been working on a project of figuring out how to change the way San Francisco Zen Center and Green Gulch invests its money.  (If you thought Buddhists don't trifle with such things as the stock market you are incorrect)  Zen Center is an institution that in many ways is no different than all of the other institutions and corporations we blame for the impending demise of the earth and its inhabitants.  Kogen (my husband) and I seem to respond in ways that to me look a little like turning away and touching.  He is touching the conflict and the pain and feeling it so deeply it sometimes looks like despair and anger.  Whereas I seem to be turning away.  I feel like there is no stopping this train of destruction we're on and maybe also that I know that everyone of us is complicit and we cannot escape participating in some way.  I don't want to see what I can't change.  Both missing the point? Yes I think so.

There is also a saying that "one must be steeped in relative truth before being able to see the ultimate truth."  In other words, we have to slug through all the touching and turning away that humans do, it's called practice.  We will go around and around the wheel of karma (or samsara) of actions and consequences and their consequences and their consequences until...we can truly act from a place with no gain in mind?  I know it sounds crazy!  We debated it for most of one evening's Genjo Koan class.  How we just "sit" here when there is so much suffering in the world?  Are we actually engaging in the world when we sit in the zendo?  When we go out into the world to "fight" the injustice, what exactly do we think is going to happen?  What happens if our goal is not achieved?  How can we work towards something with no gain in mind?

So I think what Jiryu called evil is actually just all those things in the world that are painful, that we don't like.  But they are things caused by humans just like us.  And we wouldn't recognize them as "bad" if it didn't touch a place inside that has felt it before.  So taking refuge to me means not running away from the problems and to let people know you see them and their pain...in exactly the same way we want to be seen.

Reflections on International Women's Day (belated)

So my first reaction to "women's day" was BARF!  Just what we need, another dumb hallmark holiday to pacify an oppressed group.  But it turns out this is a little more than that, maybe a lot more.  This day was started as part of a Socialist/Communist movement and was decidedly much more political than celebratory.  For an overview, check out my friend Wikipedia.

So let me step back to yesterday, the actual "women's day" of March 8.  It was brought to my attention as we celebrated Mahapajapati Gotami or the Buddha's stepmother and the first ordained woman in Buddhism.  As Eijun Linda Cutts talked about in last night's dharma talk, this awesome event was not without struggle.  Buddha refused to ordain her!!!  Yes you heard it people, the Buddha refused to ordain a woman, refused a second time and then was prevailed upon by one of his followers to acknowledge that women are just as likely and able to attain awakening (enlightenment) as any man.  The struggle did not end there.  Sutra writers (ie. not the Buddha) at some point in time claimed that the Buddha added a few (8) extra rules for his new female disciples.  These included: ordained women, no matter how long they have been practicing must always bow down to a male priest regardless of his length of time practicing, women cannot teach men while men can teach women, and women cannot ordain priests.  Many recent scholars have decided that these rules seem to have come into existence actually 500 years later than the Buddha's time....sketchy!  Or at least goes to show that, like the Bible and other religious texts, their origins are decidedly Man made and subject to constant change depending on the times and the social context or maybe even whims.  What that says to me is that we have to dig deep.  We have to dig deep and examine what parts of tradition are important to keep and why.  Because the "Buddha" said so?  Or because it feels right deep in our hearts, hara and guts.

So when a man on another blog tells me that in his teachings, the Buddha most certainly did address my experience as a woman in the 21 century I politely (sorta) will not accept that.  Sure I can be flexible and adapt things to speak to me but I need to have that freedom without persecution of being un-Buddhist.  I need institutional support and guidance.  There is a lot of discussion in the Buddhist community here in the United States about how Zen is settling in the West.  Traditionalists feel that we cannot make adjustments to "fit" our culture because then Zen will just become some watered down self-help group.  I acknowledge the danger of that while also positing that we cannot simply accept the ancient texts as "Buddha's" words and therefore the only way.  I live in a country where women are allowed to ordain as Buddhist priests and yet I am painfully aware that this option is not available to most female Buddhists in the world.  We are pointing at the conventional truth of an inequality that persists.  Linda Cutts thankfully made the connection last night in her talk that this origin of inequality may be related to the current issues of sexual abuse and misconduct rippling through Zen communities. Even our most beloved teachers who did not engage in "misconduct" are still susceptible to weakness.  Suzuki Roshi, founder of San Francisco Zen Center, had a first wife who was brutally murdered at his family's temple back in Japan.  His mother-in-law and a few others including other women warned him of their fear of this man but he did not listen.  Why didn't he listen?  Possibly because women were not listened to.  Suzuki Roshi felt the deep regret of that choice for the rest of his life.

So on this day of celebrating Mahapajapati I turn the light inward and reflect on what I can do to be upright and not slander others nor stand helpless or silent.

P.S. Check out this great article about great Zen women featuring our own Linda Cutta and Emila Heller!  Emila's picture showed up when I was looking for a picture of Mahapajapati.

The Zen of Sex Scandals, Sex and Gender Neutral Bathrooms

Everyone always asks me if my life is really peaceful and great out here at Green Gulch, being all Buddhist and everything.  My answer is: Zen is not a cure for being a hot mess, or an a**hole or any other problematic personal condition.  You have to actually know you are a hot mess and to not want to be one.  So Zen can help with that.  Zen is a practice in studying the self and in that process, if you are honest, you may discover some things about yourself you never knew (or at least never admitted).

This begs an interesting question.  Can you be a hot mess and a good Zen teacher?  I think I might argue that yes you can be both, at least for a little while.  This brings me to ZEN SEX SCANDAL 2012/2013.  Actually it's been going on for years (and of course really for centuries but I'm not going to go there yet).  As reported in the New York Times, more concrete reports of sexual misconduct have come out against Joshu Sasaki Roshi of Rinzai-ji temple.  It is being written about everywhere from the LA Times, Sweeping Zen, Shambhala Sun, and of course the blogs of Brad Warner, my husband and other internet-using Buddhists.

I have been thinking about this for quite some time but was not sure how to approach it in writing, here's my best go.  The question is not whether Sasaki did anything wrong.  The answer is most clearly yes.  He repeatedly made sexual advances and coerced women to do sexual things they did not want to do and many of the things he requested he did so under the guise of the spiritual development of his victims.  The controversy lays more in the response to the occurrence of these events.  It is claimed that the powers that be at Rinzai-ji actively tried to cover up what they knew was going on.  We have a range of reactions in regards to what should be done in a situation like this.  No doubt some people want Sasaki's penis on a stake outside his temple.  Others want him removed from his position, which amounts to more of a symbolic move because he's over 100 years old now.  And still others want more action from the Buddhist community at large to deal with the hierarchy that let this continue when they knew what was happening.  Finally, people want open dialogue.  People want to talk about the rules of behavior in a community where there is hierarchy, "teachers," human beings and the historical oppression of women world-wide (and especially within Zen) since the very days when the Buddha would not ordain a woman.

Brad Warner is a very vocal Zen "teacher" who hails from under the flag of punk rock or hard core and uses this to appeal to certain crowds and as he says "get their butts on the cushion."  This is all very fine and good and his punk rock jam includes approval for teachers sleeping with students.  Part of this may be self-serving, since he also has been involved in such actions (see his book "Doc Martens Outside the Door") but at the same time there is a dose of reality here: we are humans, sexual beings and sometimes this does not follow along the lines of a man-made hierarchical structure.  In other words, there's a grey area!  This is our life!

As a woman, my (first) reaction, and that of many others people is that Sasaki and even Brad Warner are chauvinist exploiters of women and follow their dicks around ('scuse my language) regardless of the vows they took.  Now of course my more rational brain knows that not all "scandals" are as atrocious as Sasaki's wrongs.  And that "scandal" is quite relative, we humans do love some drama don't we?  Richard Baker cheated on his wife having an affair with a beautiful married student.  Brad Warner had a relationship of some kind with a student but neither of them was married and it was consensual.  Priests, and many students, of Zen take vows that include not misusing sexuality.  And this vow is made with no clear outline for what it means.  It is a point of inquiry.

I am really stumped by the question of abuse of power.  It is commonly accepted that in any given situation there is often a power differential that makes it beneficial for the person with less power to please he person with more power.  The benefit could be material (a better job, fancy clothes) or status or some other feeling of increased self-worth based on association.  In a university a teacher can't have a relationship with a student who they have to grade otherwise it's ok but maybe frowned upon.  At a workplace it is against the rules for a boss to get sexual favors in exchange for something but if there's no clear "exchange" it's just two consensual adults.  But is it?  Women have developed over centuries as humans with less power than men and didn't they have to adapt in ways that accept that as the rule?  For another example, is it possible to look at the statistics and experience of African-Americans in the United States outside of the fact that less than 150 years their ancestors were legally still enslaved?  Can we look at the current experience of women outside the fact that less than 100 years ago we couldn't actually vote?  So who's responsibility is it for women to learn how to love themselves without needing to be sexually desired by men?  (Or by anyone for that matter but that's another blog post, this one is quiet long already)

Oh yeah and about those gender-neutral bathrooms.  All of these LARGE questions above boil down to what can I do?  What does all this drama for me and my practice of upholding the vows I just took last weekend ?(!)  What am I doing that contributes to a culture in which men still think it is harmless when they just do it with any sexy woman throwing herself at him or in which people cover it up when high school boys drug and rape a fellow student (Steubenville, OH) or Sasaki Roshi's cronies cover it up when they can't get him to stop?  What am I doing that makes people feel less than?  OR better worded, what can I do to make people feel more welcome and accepted for who they are?  Maybe something like gender-neutral bathrooms at Green Gulch is one way.  And we have to keep a healthy dose of skepticism about the rules and norms.  In a community like Green Gulch, where I live, what is appropriate sexual conduct?  Who can fall in love with who?  Is the topic of sex something that should be kept behind closed doors or discussed puritanically?  Are women the only ones who need to dress modestly?  What does dressing immodestly look like for a man?  Why do we have a small section in the library called "women in Zen?" Etc. Etc. Etc.  The quest continues.

Zen In the West?

Can I just say that I am really enjoying all this discussion as of late about "zen in the west."  It seems to be popping up everywhere.  You might enjoy this blog I follow by a Zen priest named Jiryu, it is called "No Zen In the West" The link I specifically pasted here is to a recent post about American Zen.  (Contrary to the title, I don't actually think he believes there is no zen in the west).  The question came up again at this new blog called 'Original Mind' I found through my husband, the Farmer Monk, who also responded.

We are all having this adolescent (I don't mean that in an insulting way but more of a natural developmental sort of way) identity crisis trying to be autonomous from our parents (founders).  But as we all know, we can't change who our parents are and we will definitely find ourselves repeating some of the same stuff they said despite our best efforts to be different.  So while it is great to struggle with these questions and it helps us to figure out who we are and get comfortable in our skin, I think I will find it helpful not to fight with my dharma siblings about it.  And to acknowledge that there is no way we can be Japanese because we aren't.  Clinging to forms, whether Japanese, Chinese or Indian is clinging to forms whether we want to dump it into the cultural appropriation* category or not.  But this fight we are having as Zen settles into the west is not new or unique so we shouldn't beat ourselves up for being "stupid" Americans or something.

As I felt and observed at my jukai ceremony yesterday, we are a group of sincere practitioners who are doing our best to follow Buddha's way.  And it will not look the same for any single one of us regardless of whether we all say interview or dokusan.

* I would like to add a caveat about my use of the words cultural appropriation, I am not trying to dismiss the importance of this issue.  Just so we're clear, cultural appropriation can be extremely problematic when a dominant culture exploits a minority culture; they force them (or try) to conform to dominant ideals or practices and then the dominant culture steals some of the very same symbols they took away with no respect for their original source or cultural value.  There is a great discussion of this over at Jezebel and you can tell by the comment stream that people feel very strongly about it.  I am resisting getting angry and fired up, as we speak.

Waking Up In the Office?

Tibetan Cherry tree in the Peace Garden

Well folks things are a changin.  After almost a year as a garden apprentice at Green Gulch Farm I am moving on to a new 'crew' at the gulch.  I like to think that 'once a gardener, always a gardener.'  When I started this blog I am sure I knew of the possibility that I wouldn't stay in the garden forever.  And I think I did believe there was a possibility that I would be enlightened ("wake up") in the garden, some sunny day as I mindfully weeded.  Who knows what changes have happened to me in the past 11 months, they are inconceivable and as the sutra says "buddhas do not necessarily know that they are buddhas."  But alas, the blog title 'waking up in the garden' has a nicer ring to it than 'waking up in the office' and waking up really could happen anywhere or anytime.  So the blog title will remain.

I was once Lauren the gardener, I then spent a little time working in the kitchen for the January Intensive retreat with Reb Anderson and starting next week I will move to my new home in Guest Programs.  People are surprised to hear that I actually requested this move; the kitchen and guest program crews are always in need of staff and MANY people want to work in the farm or garden.  But let us be honest, of course working outside is the bomb and I love getting my hands dirty and hugging trees BUT I might love working with people even more.  I will be spending my days taking care of guests, making them feel welcome, attending to their needs, helping Green Gulch from an administrative standpoint, learning about conference planning and hopefully working to offer even more Zen and more Green Gulch to those who want it.  As my mom put it, it should be a mutually beneficial move.  In a community that is maybe 90% introverted having one of the few extroverts in the office is a plus for everyone!

In the meantime I will spend my time enjoying the gardens not as a gardener but simply as a resident.  Doesn't mean I can't take pride in our New York Times feature!  Click here.

Winter Book Reviews

(1) Wesley The Owl

Four stars for its readability and heart.  Did you know that a barn owl mates for life?  Did you know that the barn owl needs to eat a diet of mostly whole mice and that after its body digests the mouse its skeleton is coughed up in an 'owl pellet'?  Did you know that its ears are spaced asymmetrically on the side of its head and its face is shaped sort of like a bowl to reflect sound to the ears to make its echolocation so good it can hear a small animal's heartbeat under a few feet of snow?  These are just a few facts you will learn while reading this amazing story of a barn owl adopted by a researcher at Cal Tech.  This owl's life was saved by the author Stacey O'Brien and he became part of her family.  She learned things about owls no researcher had ever been able to observe in the wild.  This book will give you a whole new perspective on how humans and animals can relate to each other.  Loved it!

(2) Reservation Blues

Four stars for bringing a deeply human voice to the pain and endurance of life on an Indian Reservation. Knowing the history of the land we live on is crucial to living a whole and honest life.  And to see this history through the eyes of young people who still believe in the traditions of their ancestors, who can still hear the music of the trees around them is a miracle.  Sherman Alexie tells the story of a magic guitar brought to the Spokane Indian reservation by Robert Johnson himself.  This guitar unlocks many a deep dream and old hurt in a group of friends, including Thomas-Builds-the-Fire, who start a band and simultaneously try to escape and reclaim their past.  This beautiful story also serves as a social commentary on what contemporary life looks like for many of the Americans who were here first and what the white man did to them.  I ask myself 'can I accept my part in this?'

(3) The Poisonwood Bible

Five stars in my four-star rating system.  As my friend said 'it is the perfect political novel.'  Political fiction is one of my favorite genres (it makes history not boring for me to read).  The gist of the book is a Christian missionary family from Kentucky moves to a rural village in the Congo so the minister father can save everyone.  In this beautifully written book by Barbara Kingsolver you have a book that includes feminism (the minister has four daughters and his wife with him all of whom he oppresses with the lord Jesus Christ AND the story is told through the eyes of each woman and never from his point of view), colonial oppression and blood diamonds (the Congo being one of the richest countries in natural resources wanted by the white man), the American CIA getting involved in foreign politics that don't support their agenda, RACISM, the beauty of rural village culture and trying to preserve it, and so much more.  I HIGHLY recommend this book.

(4) The Bean Trees

Another Barbara Kingsolver book.  I really enjoyed it in its relative simplicity.  It was a quick read (I read it in less than a day, granted I stayed in bed for at least 5 hours doing so).  It is the story of a young woman, Taylor, who manages to escape her small town life and her little beat up VW bug and head west until she gets some place she wants to stay.  On the way a silent young native american child is left in her arms and she makes a choice to take her with.  She ends up in Arizona and starts her new life.  She crosses paths with people and in their crossing sees sides of herself she may never have otherwise.  Many social justice issues are explored and you end up wanting more.  But you get to think a little about the Native American experience of what is lovingly known as the United States now.  You get to meet illegal immigrants from Guatemala escaping political terror.  You meet single mothers, social workers, and doing what you have to do.  Doing what it is right.  The heroine of the story is someone you'd like to be friends with.